Digested Knife Syndrome

11 Aug

My sister and I have a theory that our parents were never meant to breed. For some reason my parents’ DNA isn’t the regular kind. Oh no. Instead they have atomic DNA and when the two genetic codes met they didn’t make babies. They made explosions of undiagnosable diseases and emotional instability. We’re all pretty messed up in our own individual ways but there is one common ailment that all five of us kids share: Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

For those of you who are scratching your heads, allow me to explain. Irritable bowel syndrome is a disease of the lower intestine that can manifest itself in any number of ways including bloating, gas, constipation, and the two that afflict my family the most, diarrhea (or fire-rhea as my brother calls it) and pain so intense that it feels like you swallowed a knife (hence our nickname Digested Knife Syndrome. Seriously, it was so bad once that I very nearly blacked out but I refused to faint on the toilet and willed myself back to consciousness).

I’ve considered making t-shirts for my messed up siblings and myself with sayings on them. So far my favorite is this:

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

making it scary to fart since the dawn of human kind

Anywho, this is basically what doctors diagnose you with when they have no clue what’s wrong with you and have no idea how to treat you. Doctors give my family these kinds of diagnosis a lot. And that’s why I’m reticent to go to the hospital unless I’m bleeding out my eyes. There’s only so many times you can walk away from a doctor’s office with a prescription for pills that may or may not work and have horrendous side effects.

I’m lucky though. My occasional dances with DKS have been few and far between. My brothers, on the other hand, explode if they so much as look at food the wrong way. My sister Megan has a list of things she can’t eat that is already painfully long and continues to grow daily, and my other sister Alison not only has DKS but she also has a slow emptying stomach that gives her unbearable nausea if she eats the wrong foods or too much of the right ones.

Yeah, seriously. I got off easy.

I was talking to Alison the other day and she said that she needs to find pants that can stretch along with her stomach because her waist line fluctuates several inches throughout the day as her poor little tummy tries to process food and jeans can be really painful. So I’ve styled yet another outfit just for her because we Digested Knife Syndrome sufferers need to stick together. It features a pair of Athleta pants because Athleta puts stretch in all their clothes so if there’s anyone else out there reading this blog who needs to find stretchy pants too then hop on over to Athleta’s website.

Outfit total cost: $99

Athleta Knock Around Pant

Element Watson Sweatshirt

Madden Girl Women's Allstar Strappy Studded Sandal


3 Responses to “Digested Knife Syndrome”

  1. justalittlepiece August 11, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    Oh man can I sympathize. I don’t have the explosive version…I go through the week wondering what day will be the lucky day I get to go. More recently I’ve been getting it under control. The problem is that I’m such a foodie. I love food! I love dessert! So, it goes without saying that I take multiple and various concoctions to survive.

    On a happier note, I love that sweatshirt!!!!

    • phillipskt August 11, 2010 at 10:22 am #

      Isn’t it fantastic? It’s getting me all excited for fall.

      I’m sorry to hear you’re a sufferer but that’s great that you’re getting it figured out. DKS is the oppressor and we will overcome!

  2. Chelsea August 13, 2010 at 4:10 am #

    Love this. Love you. Might kill for this Watson Sweatshirt…

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