a conversation with my immune system

17 Sep

The other day I decided that it was time to confront my immune system. After twenty something years of dealing with its shenanigans I’ve had enough. In my mind I was wearing this outfit because apparently in my mind it was a nineties sort of day and I am skinny enough to wear size 27 jeans from Free People.

Urban Outfitters Sparkle and Fade Cocoon Tee

Free People Slouch Patch Boyfriend Jean

Target Mossimo Sneakers

Here’s how the convo went down:

Me:
Hey Immune System.

Immune System:
Hey you.

Me:
Can I talk to you about something?

Immune System:
Sure. Hey, how’s that cold coming along?

Me:
Oh, swimmingly.

Immune System:
Haha, good one.

Me:
Why are you asking me? Shouldn’t you be all over this?

Immune System:
Well, I would, but there’s this crazy looking thing attacking your eyes and nose that I can’t seem to get rid of.

Me:
That’s ragweed pollen.

Immune System:
Mmm, no. I don’t think so.

Me:
It is. I promise. This happens every year. How have you not caught on to this?

Immune System:


Me:
What? What’s wrong?

Immune System:
I don’t like your tone.

Me:
Wha-? I- (sigh) I’m sorry.

Immune System:
That’s okay. You’re sick. You’re always short when you’re sick.

Me:
(eye rolling)

Immune System:
What did you want to talk about?

Me:
Okay. Well, you know we’ve had some good times.

Immune System:
Yeah?

Me:
Yeah, like remember when the girls at work were all puking their guts out for a week and I never felt so much as nauseated? You’re really amazing with the stomach flu.

Immune System:
Well. I do believe I’m blushing.

Me:
And what about when everyone had strep throat and you didn’t so much as blink an eye? That was super hero caliber right there.

Immune System:
Are you saying that I’m a super hero?

Me:
Well, I-

Immune System:
I’m so getting a cape. And a theme song!

Me:
Let’s not get off subject.

Immune System:
Underdog had the best theme song. Maybe we could just change the lyrics.

Me:
Yeah, that sounds… awesome. Listen, I have something to say that you won’t want to hear but I really feel like I just need to go ahead and say it.

Immune System:
I should probably have an alter ego with a snappier name. Like Mighty Mouse. Something with three syllables because it seems like most super heroes have three syllable names. Like Germ Slayer! Although Batman only has two syllables…

Me:
You’re not listening.

Immune System:
Sorry. No, I am. Go ahead.

Me:
Okay, look, as awesome as you are with stomach flues and strep throat I gotta tell you that when it comes to the common cold you’re not doing very well.

Immune System:

Me:
You’re not listening again.

Immune System:
Hmm? Sorry. I was thinking about schematics for a Germmobile.

Me:
That’s great. I’m trying to tell you something important and you keep zoning out. Just forget it!

Immune System:
No, okay, I’m sorry! Don’t walk away! Come back. I’ll listen, I swear.

Me:
Promise?

Immune System:
Yes. You have my undivided attention.

Me:
Okay. Here’s the thing. I’ve come to suspect that you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

Immune System:
Wait, what?! First you say I’m a super hero and then you accuse me of being a nutso?

Me:
I never said you were a super hero! We’re getting off subject again. Listen, you’re constantly attacking anything that looks “crazy” to you when really it’s just some stupid pollen or pet dander and then when something serious comes along, like this cold I’m currently being bowled over by, you’re too busy to do anything about it!

Immune System:
What are you talking about? Besides this supposed ragweed you said I shouldn’t be pursuing, which by the way I’m pretty sure is a made-up word, besides that what have I ever attacked that I shouldn’t and left you vulnerable? Name one thing!

Me:
Okay, how about juniper trees, sage brush, dog dander, cat dander, horse dander, any dander really, bermuda grass, mold, cigarette smoke-

Immune System:
Hey, cigarettes are bad for you!

Me:
Yeah, which is why I don’t smoke them. But if I get within fifty feet of someone who’s smoking you completely shut down my lungs.

Immune System:
I’m just trying to protect you!

Me:
I know. But this whole crusade against the outside world is really affecting my quality of life. So? What do you have to say for yourself?

Immune System:
Well… I guess every super hero has to have a fatal flaw…

Me:
Ugh. Never mind.

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5 Responses to “a conversation with my immune system”

  1. Brady September 17, 2010 at 9:50 pm #

    I have had the same cold for the last 3 weeks. It is the worst. My immune system and I need to have a good sit down too.

  2. fionaphillips September 20, 2010 at 9:17 am #

    kat, you slay me!! (no pun intended…)

  3. Nathalie Foy September 24, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    I’m here from 4mothers1blog. This is priceless. I’d like to borrow your script for my immune system. Or maybe you could just talk to it, since it’s gone all wacko and I’m suffering from ragweed allergies for the first time at 40. What’s up with that? You begin to rely on certain aspects of your identity (I am not a sniffler), then, boom!, I’m a sniffler and cranky about it.

    • phillipskt September 25, 2010 at 5:44 am #

      I’d be happy to try giving your immune system a good talking to, although I can’t guarantee anything. Clearly I lack the communication skills to really reign these guys in. They’re such rascals. It sounds like a possible mid-life crisis. Maybe it needs a hobby. Like car restoration or aroma therapy.

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